The Big Bang and a Few Other Things

Notable events: The universe, home of 4chan is created. Matter–which the servers are comprised of–wins out over anti-matter.

Galaxies Form or Whatever

Notable events: Matter coalesces into galaxies. Hydrogen is fused deep inside ancient stars to form copper, silicon, and other elements that make life (or the lack thereof), computers, the Internet, and 4chan possible.

Our Solar System Gets Its Shit Together

Notable events: Earth, the home of 4chan is formed. The surface of the newly-formed planet is mostly molten and well outside the acceptable operating temperature range for even the hardiest computers. This will be the case for many millions of years to come.

Life Appears

Notable events: Ancestors of humanity do many unimpressive things like “cling as a thin biological scum to this rock.” No doubt if they were able, they'd continually update their Facebook1) status, regardless: tide in! tide out! about to be wiped out by comet, brb!

Life flourishes, is destroyed, evolves, etc.

Notable events: Somehow moot's ancestors avoid being eaten, presumably by tasting terrible.

Humanity Grows a Pair... Then Rice

Notable events: Humanity wipes out most of its predators, then most of its prey animals, and is then forced into agriculture. Leisure time without 4chan is wasted on fruitless efforts like developing written language and organized religion. During this time, moot's ancestors likely toil as peasants/serfs as does nearly all of humanity.

White People Tear Shit Up, Various Genocides, Etc

Notable events: European colonists argue about god with American/Australian natives. The consequences are devastating. White people get three continents and a bunch of islands for winning the argument. One of these territories will eventually become the United States, home of 4chan.

Nazis Think They're Clever

Notable events: The British scoff at the very notion that Germans can do anything right and make a computer called Colossus to break Nazi codes. In the first instance of online drama, the Nazis assume they've been infiltrated by spies rather than having been hacked. This computer will go on to do several great things for science and not one of them is the least bit interesting, trust me. The computer has no display and the marketing department does a terrible job with it (I would have gone with iFuck Nazis).

The USA Wastes Billions of Dollars (and all it gets is the Internet)

Having conveniently not been bombed back into the stone age, Americans rise to dominance and spend Europe's money on advanced research projects which are usually plots against the Soviets. In the sales pitch to get the Internet funded, there were some buzzwords thrown around about building a network that could survive nuclear war. Like buzzwords used today, they were a meaningless charade. In actuality, it was just so a few engineers could burn countless kilowatt hours to play chess by mail (instantly).

This series continues at extremely early history.

1) If you're reading this after 2012 2013 SOMETIME IN THE DISTANT FUTURE, Facebook was a social networking website that no one remembers anymore is now central to the philosophy of that religious cult that rules all of South Asia
ancient_history.txt · Last modified: 2015/09/20 13:14 by admin0037
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